A writer dissing the erroneous Disney-fied idea that Cinderella was saved by an outside force (okay the horrid word with no bark on it – saved by a man after being saved by a Fairy Godmother) that I rail against so often.

That version of Cinderella is a product of the last century and not indicative of the versions before it. In fact one of the most interesting things about European Myth is the pattern repeated again and again where young people (both male and female) go out and find adventure as a way of finding themselves. But I digress… As I was lying in the shower forming my rant a completely different take on the Cinderella myth – both ancient and modern – fell into my mind.

It isn’t about being saved – it’s about being seen.

Cinderella has spunk, in almost every version, she has values and a work ethic. The dress, the shoes, are all superficial. It is that moment when she is seen – for who she is – and accepted – that is the magic of the enduring romance. Not being saved – since that implies debt and the idea that we couldn’t have done it on our own – both concepts that I reject.

But being seen….

Isn’t that what we all want? To be seen by someone for our flaws, our brilliance, our strengths, and our weaknesses and to still be loved for who we are not what we are. This is the Myth – and it is a good Myth.

So, now when I think of Cinderella – when I hear people talk about Cinderella Complexes I’m going to remember that it isn’t about being saved. It isn’t about something outside ourselves swooping down and fixing our lives. It isn’t about something outside ourselves at all. It is about what we are inside.

It is about the desire to be seen as special and unique.

Wanting to be seen is a wondrous thing – worthy of myth and not a bad complex to have.

~ Just Tess

They also say that chaos moves to order – and that one day the universe will succumb to entropy.

Entropy: a hypothetical tendency for the universe to attain a state of maximum homogeneity in which all matter is at a uniform temperature.

In my house – my personal tendency towards entropy leads to chaos not uniform order. So much for Cosmology!

Over the course of the last year my writing has changed. In form, structure, and content. I thought I had more control over this than apparently I do – so it took me longer than normal to figure out I wasn’t obeying my first rule of business… Fail Faster!

When something doesn’t work – try something else.

I didn’t get here by myself. It took my best friend – who’d been holding her tongue for months – to say it out loud. “You gotta kill Emma.”

I don’t know if that is really what she said but it is the summation of her intent. And I did it. I killed her. Wrote a nice Emma-ish goodbye on her blog and walked away from the majority of my publishing history. You see, Emma wrote sex, and sex sells. I, well, I write crazy children’s poetry, non-fiction articles, and 3-Day Novels – and I’ve made more as me than I made as Emma – but Emma wrote fiction that sold. We’ll sold for a while.

I need to stop mourning Emma and just get on with it.

Emma is Dead! Long live Emma!

So, what now?

I’ve been asking myself that for days now – and gotten some flack for how I’m dealing with this change. I’m a plan person – I feel uncomfortable without a plan. And not just a “What shall I do today plan?” I need a today plan, project list, all of which fit into a 5 year plan. Emma had one – and now I need one.

• My writing friends said – just write!
• My friends said – just write!
• My Sig-Fig said – Just WRITE!

My best friend said – do what you need to do.

She knows me best.

When change happens, disappointment, or failure physiologists think of fight/flight or avoidance activities – but two woman researchers wondered about that. When things went wrong in the lab their male companions would escape to exercise, home, drink, et al. But they wouldn’t leave. They would stay in the lab and organize, clean and talk. Eventually – after much research – this behavior was labeled Tend & Mend. It is typically a female trait – and really, think about it – incredibly advantageous evolutionarily. You don’t want Moms running off and leaving the source of their stress behind – the screaming child for example.

My working style is messy – I create chaos around me – piles of books, research materials, mail, crap, random cords from peripherals I no longer use

– you get the idea.

I’ve found that when I find myself in a blind alley – or under crazy stress from projects or deadlines – I clean my office. Silly I know – and probably you could label it a form of procrastination (many people I worked with did) or avoidance (really some of my coworkers thought I was mad) but I go though the piles and somehow by organizing my physical space, simplifying the clutter, and throwing away what I no longer need – I clean and air out my own head. Suddenly there is space for the work – the writing – and best of all for the joy.

Now I just started – the desk was the priority since the arrival of my Mac nothing worked well ergonomically – and there is much more to do. I don’t even want to think about the closet – but it has begun and I feel so much better.

I have no idea what is beyond the bend in the road. But I’m starting to feel like I can handle it. I’ll figure this out…and the next thing…and the next.

So hear is a picture of my beautiful new writing environment!

Inspiring, don’t you think? Best of all no more neck pain from looking up at the monitor! Back to the job – I have a short story to get submitted today.

~ Just Tess

There are watersheds: days that bring so much change you use them as milestones defining everything that came before and since. It is amusing to think of today as a milestone – but it is.

Today I go back to work.

Not a full time job – not a career job – just a part time job to help pay the bills and keep me financially viable. So crazy! I knew I needed to find something and to have it fall into my lap is still delights me. Yesterday I had nothing and today I have something. Some place that wants me! That is the most surprising point. I hope they won’t be disappointed.

Oh, and for the record. I found out about the job a few days ago, didn’t even think about doing it until yesterday afternoon, and by 9 pm had the job. Did I mention insane? Crazy?

In addition to starting a job today – today was the first day of my 21-Day Yoga challenge. So I got up, made a cup of green tea, and hit the mat. And was humbled. I was once in great shape – now I’m not – the class for the morning was insanely difficult for me. Spending a week learning how to ski didn’t help much either. There are muscles that are hurting like hell still. But I was disappointed when I realized that my major muscle groups weren’t up to the challenge – so did 20 minutes rather than 45 and will keep going. The big thing is to focus on doing something every day rather than worrying that I’m not strong enough, flexible enough, or fit enough.

But I’m working through it, which is the point…. Right?

The universe is being very kind to me – needed work, got work – needed accountability for my exercise program, got accountability in a Sunday check in with my friend D – needed accountability in my writing goals, got that too!!! J – sent an email out asking for volunteers to be part of an accountability group. Working in threats of chicken dances and other humiliations so I joined on.

I’ve read so many books about changing behaviors – most for business – and one of the things that I find interesting is how sometimes you can be open for change in such a way that it just flows through you and at other times you can avoid it, bemoan it, and fight it every step of the way. It always amazes me how easy it is to stand in your own way and the courage it takes to own up to the fact that you are your own worst enemy.

So, I’m taking my evil twin out for an airing and will see if she enjoys it enough to leave me alone because the next several months are going to be interesting.

~ Tess

Nothing like starting the New Year a week late – but I went on vacation with my sweetie (I don’t actually remember the last full week vacation I had, so this was an event) and decided that I would really take the time off. No writing – Not much thinking about writing – and lots of reading.

Didn’t get much reading in, what I did was learn how to skate ski.

Well – I didn’t actually learn it, or rather I’m very far from mastery, but I gave it a try and only said Fuck! a few times. I’ve never been on skis before – and learning something new at my age (okay I’m not that old but I am wiser and more careful at 40 something than I was at 20 something) is difficult. Not because old folks can’t learn but because my brain wouldn’t let me just do – it wanted to comment all the time. I taught dance for 15 years I know better, yet my brain was having a very good time commenting on my actions and giving me lots of good advice. But in order to learn I needed it to shut up.

Apparently skate skiing is much harder to learn for a novice than classic. Classic being what we all think of when we imagine cross-country skiing. Be that as it may, it was fun, challenging, and I only wanted to cry with frustration once. Then I walked back to the meadow and started working on my technique again.

I forgot how stubborn I could be.

My poor sweetie had to put up with my rejection of his good intentions – when I’m learning something for the first time I like lessons and I like working things out on my own. As usual, he was a brick. He is one of the most amazing people I know. But that is for another posting. Or maybe not… waxing poetic about my romance would get awful boring awful fast and I struggle with that. Which may be one of the reasons I haven’t written in so long.

But now it is the New Year and it is time to dig in and get my ass in gear. It is also resolution time. Usually I look at my life in November and December and try and figure out what I’ve succeeded at and what I want for the future. The last few years I’ve been spinning. “To Write for a Living” is great goal – but it is a 100,000 foot goal not a day-to-day, week-to-week, project to project, goal. I’ve spent the last few months fighting migraines and getting the flu – and now I’m mostly better so it is time to stop cosseting myself and really take a hard look at my habits.

I’ve become something I despise.

But I jump. I picked up my week of mail yesterday when I got home from Sun Valley and saw that I’d gotten my Romance Writers of America magazine. I just thumbed through it but one article caught my attention – “The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective (Has-Been) Authors”!

I didn’t have all of the traits but I was working on one – Laziness.

I’ve struggled to write the last few months and I’ve avoided the “just do it” mentality that used to be part of my character for an “I’ll do it when I feel better”. Or worse, “I’ll do it when I feel It”, “It” being some sort of drive or inspiration. I’ve always despised folks who waited for inspiration because that is hobby not craft. Craft is sitting at your desk day after day and slogging through the bad days and flying through the good, making progress no matter what. I forgot…

So this year is about Laziness.

Last night I was at a release party for Delilah Marvelle who’s been writing for 11 years – published one book then lost her publisher and agent, and then struggled to find a home for a trilogy that is just being released now, one book each month for three months. She’s amazing: the work, the perseverance, and the depth of her research. Delilah reminded me how hard you have to work to make it in this horrid/gorgeous business.

Cheers to Delilah and her Scandal books – Prelude to a Scandal, Once Upon a Scandal, and The Perfect Scandal coming out Jan, Feb, and Mar respectively.

And here’s to raising a glass of coffee to 2011 being a year of productivity for us all!!!

~ Tess

Thank You!

A year ago today I posted my first blog post.

How time flies…

I wish I could say that everything I imagined it to be it was – it isn’t. But it has served a purpose. It got me writing. Most days I write now. There are days when I write a lot, and days when I write very little – but most days I write – and I have the blogs to thank for that.

I’ve written about privacy issues and dealing with my migraines. I’ve publicly mourned the loss of relationships and quietly celebrated the beginning of a new one. I’ve bitched about healthcare and calls from the DNC. I’ve waxed quazi-poetic on the value of friendship and my delight in my new Mac.

I’m not sure where I’m going now.

The blogs have been adrift for awhile – it is a hard thing writing a novel. I tried to split my focus, blogs, and short stories, and novellas Oh, My! But I’m finding it harder and harder to multi task. I find that I sequester myself away to write. I can no longer work in noisy places (I used to love writing in pubs and coffee shops) I can’t even have music going in the house.

So what next?

This last year has been about learning how to do this job. I’ve written a novella, articles for AOL, a poem for Dr. Wicked, written and rewritten several short stories – even sold a few, and started a novel. Gradually I’m learning how this works and what doesn’t.

The migraines are a constant battle but I now have the most amazing support so I’m hopeful things will get better.

I always expect things to happen faster than they do. Just as I always expect that I will get more done than I do. But this is an industry that moves slowly – and writing a novel takes time. I’m a quarter of the way through my first draft and hope to have it finished by the end of November since I have two short stories I want to write and a novella to reedit.

So things are sill moving – but as for my blog I’m not sure where it is going or what shape it will take. It maybe that I’ll write more once I’m out of the draft stage – maybe even write up some of my research on mythology and the different types of multi-verses. Who knows…

Those of you who have checked in from time to time, thank you! There is something extremely nice about knowing you are out there.

~ Tess

We are all older – and have very different lives. And yet – that makes it more fun. We come from things from different backgrounds and different direction.

Anyway – I’m very very grateful for them.

One of the things I like the most about us is that we let each of us be who we are. Our lives are busy – and if fact one of the four of us, who met this morning, we only see a couple of times of year – but of the four of us she is the most type A (forgive me T). Between running a department, getting MBA, owning a small business, having two kids, and a darling but type A husband. Getting time on her calendar is a challenge.

The rest of us are more laid back.

I’m the single girl. The rest have been with their men the ten years I’ve spent single. I used to like my single life and make myself feel better about the compromises married couples have to make. Funny, but I don’t feel that way anymore.

The best thing about my friends… is they let me be me.

I don’t always feel social. Most days I’m happy living in my own world, writing my stories, researching, reading, and keeping my interactions with the outside world to a minimum. My friends never make me feel guilty for being away. In fact T, D & I were celebrating the fact that we’ve gotten together 3 times this year. Sometimes we go years without seeing each other and email is sporadic at best. Yet we can still sit down and talk, catch up, and enjoy every moment of it.

I remember when I was young, how eventually I didn’t like seeing my Father’s family much. The conversation was always peppered with “We should do this more often” or “We wish we could see more of you” and on and on and on… once they got in that vein it was sometimes 20 minutes before you could get them to change the subject. It was agonizing.

We are all busy – our lives intersect and diverge and intersect again. The people that stick with me are those who I can call on a whim and reconnect with – without bemoaning the time that has passed.

But I need to be careful… apparently even a hermit like me needs social interaction and my “wellbeing” would be greater if I spent at least 6 hours a day socializing. That seems like so much. Yesterday I got up, wrote a note to my boyfriend (such an odd word at our age but lets go with it for now), then worked. Finally sometime round 4 pm I decided I needed to get out of the house and to talk someone – so called a friend on the east coast that I often miss and caught up with him for an hour. That was it – oh, wrote another email to the boyfriend. I don’t think that was anywhere near the 6 hours.

I often need to go away – I guess it is okay for a writer to live her life inside her head.

When I was younger I think it hindered me in my dating because I tended to rely on my “date” more than I should. As I’ve developed close relationships with both men and women that have survived the years it’s decreased my need to hold so tightly to one person… I also, the value of age, feel no need to apply external standards to my relationships – friendships or otherwise. One of the hardest things in our extroverted society is to be an introvert that does extrovert well. Assumptions are made… both by others and by yourself. Age is a great thing – eventually you live with yourself long enough you start to figure things out.

But I started this out talking about coffee with the girlfriends… I know this is strange to say – but it is the most amazing feeling I have when I look up from my internal life and realize I have friends. And friends who will let me back in after I’ve hibernated.

A toast to them, for putting up with me! Cheers!

~ Tess

Me at McMenamins in Cedar Mill

It maybe that I spend too much time at home… I’ve been working for two hours and have barely noticed the time go by. And yes I’m taking a break with a glass of old fashioned American Rye (see pic). Nice! And that is from the scotch drinker.

If I was a good person I’d let you know what kind of rye… but I have yet to figure out how to make Safari give me more than one window it’s called (ri)1 but I can’t give you the link ;-(

I don’t get out much these days – money and migraines – but apparently my requirements are the same as people on a first date (cheep with lots of people and multiple exits). It is so funny listening to the resume date. All the stats – where you grew up, went to school, previously married? Family? Parents? Interests? Favorite foods?

The date follows the same plan. Oh, I remember it well. Please, oh, please I really am enjoying not being single. I’m rather happy with what I’ve got.

So, back to the writing/editing/writing/writing…

~ Tess

I’m sitting here, typing on my MacBook Pro, my PC’s wireless keyboard in my lap, and my PC monitor on the shelf above the Mac.

Nothing transfers!

Research said that my Mac would talk to my Samsung monitor – they may now but mine doesn’t and I can’t find a driver to make it work. Also the reports of people who have tried… well it is not optimal.

And the fix is expensive. So expensive in fact that I think I’ll have to live with my little monitor for a while. Christmas is coming…

The lovely and painful thing about Apple is their success in making a plug and play universe. To make the universe work they had to place limitations on what was allowed. They’ve made the Apple experience on par with going to Disneyland – with the same attention to detail. Options are limited so that everyone had the same experience. Unlike the PC universe with is Burger King – you can have it your way.

In our society the amount of choices out there is daunting. Apple has succeeded partly because they limit choice. Rather than having to decide on everything – from the chip to the color of the computer – Apple keeps it simple.

Well simpler…

They increase customer satisfaction my limited choice. Although right now I’m dissatisfied. I can’t get a wireless keyboard with a 10-key. After the disappointment with my Samsung monitor I’m loath to try a non-Mac keyboard. One of the pleasures is the way everything fits together. Eventually all my PC support skills are going to disappear from disuse.

The hardest thing so far?

Learning how to work in a world without a right-click.

This is more problematic than one might think. There are many things that I do without even thinking in Word and Excel that are simple right-clicks. I’m learning my shortcuts.  I don’t always remember them – and sometimes I find them by trial and error and then lose them – but I get better all the time.

Someone asked me if I’d reverse this process – give up and go back to a PC. I don’t think so. I really like my MacBook Pro – I’m in love with its battery life and with the fact it takes care of me. I don’t need to set up defragging or worry about viruses as much. Learning a whole new system wasn’t that hard either – I survived the switch from XP to Vista and back again… and working with Office 2003 and 2008 at the same time (laptop/desktop) so this was easy.

The only thing that is worrisome is the cost… the things I need and the things I’d like to have keep piling up.

Keyboards, mice, monitors, and backup systems… oh, My!

Credit: Ardfern

Oops – not an Un but a real one.

I’m another year: older, grayer, happier, possibly even wiser, surprisingly thinner, more productive, poorer….

I’m not used to journaling at this hour. This is usually a morning exercise. But I’m here and thought I shouldn’t waste the moment.

I made a wish today.

A surprising, scary, who’d-a-thunk-it, wish that terrified me as it delighted me.

I wonder who came up with the idea of putting candles on things and blowing them out – one for every year of your life. We’ll the folks at the restaurant only gave me one candle but I made a wish anyway. It’s been years since I’ve made a real wish. This one had all the earnest quality of when I wished for a sister. (I did that once – in a wishing well) And in that moment held the thought so clear in my mind that it simply had to come true. I know my Dad was dreading calling us if I was wrong and had a brother instead – he didn’t want me to be disappointed – and I was so sure of that wish.

It was one of those moments.

I leaned in, took a breath, and the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world sprang into my mind fully formed. No one was more surprised than me. I didn’t wish for money, a job, or to sign a contract on my first novel… all the things I expected to wish for. Nope I surprised myself.

It’s kind of like first thoughts…

One of the reasons I write in the morning is the quality of the thoughts. The coffee is just kicking in and my mind is waking up and all the to-dos of the day aren’t swirling in my head. I’m always amazed at what comes out. The amazing things that sneak around and pop out – they are always better than anything my head can make up on a conscious level. In fact I am sure my consciousness is a very bad writer. It’s that other me – the one that I keep in the padded cell – when she comes out to play everything works and surprises lurk behind every sentence.   

The last month or so I’ve picked up a few books and magazines that talk about how writers write. Everyone is different – which makes me feel good – Everyone is the same – which helped clarify the direction I’m headed. When things work, they work well, it is that hesitation, the stuttering of my fingers and thoughts, as I kick start the engine of my head. Those are the rough moments.  

I was reading about good/bad advice successful writers were given early in their careers in the latest edition of Romantic Times. The ones I liked were (and I don’t have it here so I’m sure I’m misquoting)

Finish the damn book (good advice) and Have a backup plan (bad advice) Write every day (landed in both camps – a good idea but sometimes difficult given the structure of our lives).

I’m really thinking that it is all about finishing the damn book.

That said – I’ve spent the last few days doing nothing but reviewing old pieces that have come back and researching new homes for them. But I’ll get back to the novel soon – it’s just that if I don’t get things out there I can’t sell them. And I can’t seem to stop myself from being obsessive compulsive about things – I like to focus on one thing and get it done. Multitasking is a bad word in my household.

Hopefully I have now distracted you from my wish… you know I won’t tell. If I did it wouldn’t come true. Okay so I told everyone about wanting a sister and I got one – but it was a one off event. This one I’m going to hold in my heart a little longer, quietly nurturing it, in the hope it will come to fruition.

~ Tess