There is so much to do.
There was before he left but somehow it feels more important now. Or maybe it is just different. Over the last few months I have been changing all sorts of aspects of my life – becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. Being with him was part of it. But now he isn’t here and I don’t want to lose the momentum. When I start listing the things that I’ve accomplished since September, the changes I’ve made, and the fears that I’ve faced – I can’t help but smile.
I am becoming.
So, we keep moving forward. I keep moving forward.
One of the hardest things I’ve learned is to keep myself whole when I fall for someone. I’ve always tended to subsume myself. Losing myself in them – their likes and dislikes, their passions and their hobbies. I’ve never been good at keeping my own sense of self. It’s funny because it isn’t like I live in that space… I’ve never stopped working, learning, and achieving… but I know that I always put them first.
The good news is – this time I didn’t. This time I balanced my life with my desire to be with him. And I never let myself think beyond the present. I was perfectly happy with what we were and willing to wait for what we would become.
When we stopped I realized that I could use that – that by working harder on my writing I could move my journey forward. I had decided to stop dating before he came into my life – so I’ll just go back to that state.
After every change there is a period of reassessment. My best friend told me not to make any changes for several days. Good advice. So, slowly, I’ll start to put myself back together, piece by piece, by focusing on creating the patters that I need to do life well. And that is the goal after all – a life well lived.
I have a lot of work to do.
There is so much I don’t understand about myself, other people, writing and the world. And this is an opportunity to spend more time learning. I’ve wanted to reach out to some of the communities that I left years ago, theater and science. Have invitations to groups that meet on different topics that I’ve not followed up on. A relationship takes time, effort, and energy. All willingly given but if I work hard I can drive those energies into other things.
…and at the same time, I keep hearing phantom tones telling me I have a text from him, and yet my phone is empty…
I have a way to go, but at least I’m going.
~ Tess Anderson