It’s all about the Pattern…

"The praying mantis galaxy" Wiki Commons

I’m having a difficult time working today.

I don’t have workdays and weekends or holidays and vacations, and yet I find myself falling into those patterns anyway.

On Friday my friends started posting on Facebook about their upcoming three day weekend. Last night, without thinking much about it I stayed up until 1:00 am, and then when the alarm went off this morning I dozed in bed for several hours dreaming. The dreams were amusing and this is only the second time I’ve slept 6 hours straight in the last several months, but it was curious.

When I got up I puttered… it is beautiful out and though I have promised to give my mornings to writing I want to go out and take a walk in the gorgeous weather.

I don’t feel like today is a workday.

This is a trend I’ve been aware of for awhile. Christmas to New Year’s was a killer. Just like my friends with day jobs I was not fully engaged. Several people took that time off and in the end I did too. Not quite 100% but I was not working hard; just keeping the wheels on the bus.

Thinking about it, these are patterns that are drilled into us at a very early age. School days, weekends, holidays, and vacations are milestones along the year. They define the pattern of our lives.

How many of us miss Summer Vacation? And during those months keep stricter hours? Or come in early to have more time after work for friends, family, and fun?

It is funny, but try as I might I still feel it. When I had a day job I felt the lack of Summer and the sense of renewal in the Fall. Remember Fall? When everything was new and everything seemed possible?

Now that I am unemployed and am working my own schedule I find it hard not to be distracted by a pretty Friday or a Monday when the kids are out of school. The pattern is so ingrained I barely recognize it. Last night, if someone asked me why I was up late doing laundry, picking up the office and watching Stargate SG-1 till the early hours of the morning, I don’t think I would have associated it with today being a holiday.

But this morning I knew.

I have lived this pattern the last 35 years and it is as much a part of me as my name. The cycle of the seasons, the parade of holidays, and the associated behaviors are simply there. I don’t think about it, who does?

So today, I’ll keep the wheels on the bus and do what I always do on holidays. Read a little more than usual, organize parts of the house, and enjoy the sunshine.

~ Tess

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