I envy people of faith at times.
As someone who has always doubted everything, questioned everything and found her answers in science – death is both easy and hard.
Easy in that all things end.
Decay is constant and we are all driven to it. You see in biology, geology… even physics. Everything ends.
Hard in that I am wistful for more.
Endings are so final.
Science tells me that each person is unique, psychology that each of us filters our experiences in a unique way. My difficulty lies in knowing that when someone dies that filter that they use to view the world is gone. Their unique world view is lost, never to return.
I mourn that and struggle with the implications.
It bothers me that what we are doesn’t survive. Yet, although it bothers me I cannot believe. It doesn’t make sense to me to expect that there is anything beyond the life we have. The mixture of biology and chance that is our path. This is it – the big show – and we only get once chance to do it right.
I also realize that so many of us live lives unfulfilled. And wonder how I will feel leaving nothing in this life but the people I’ve touched and the words I’ve written – each of which is not enough at times.
I don’t know.
I only know that at times like this, as I watch the rituals that surround the ending of a life, that sometimes I wish I had faith.