DJ – so are you going to write today? Me – My head feels full DJ – (querying look) Me – not full of ideas but full, like stuffy full… allergies. DJ – so are you going to write today? Me – uummm…
Okay I lied, but at the time I really didn’t think I’d have the energy to sit and string words together today, and I would rather surprise him than disappoint him.
I worry that I’ve put to much emphasis on the upcoming weekend and I’m setting myself up for failure.
Last month I realized that everything I’d ever sold was written before the migraines became chronic. They may have been revamped, edited, and rewritten but the bones were all from the time before.
I gave up writing sex – now I’m trying to write sex again – ideas are not a problem (they never were) but the sitting down and getting the shit on the page… well that is a big problem and it didn’t used to be.
The other problem is the fear… of disappointing myself, my love, and anyone else out there who might be rooting for me.
I thought about calling my project management guru Jeff and asking if he would help me develop a new project plan. But I don’t have a clue even what we should be planning. Then I thought about writing spec pieces again and came up with a beautiful story for a submissions call that I can’t seem to really dig myself into. I thought a lot about everything – including giving up the idea of ever making my living as a writer….
(Whenever I say that out loud my heart skips a beat)
I keep deferring to the beginning of April, two whole days of writing workshop – not editing, not publishing, not branding or marketing – but writing.
More than anything I want my office reorg finished, I want my house clean, and the laundry done (Sophie’s having bowel problems again – you really don’t want to know) and I want to hit Monday April 3rd at a dead run. I have a week off from work and I truly believe new habits can be formed in that week – or at least the formation of new habits can begin.
Or am I kidding myself?