I have lost so much and gained so much – but in the end I am me and must make all my mistakes myself.
The grace of learning from other peoples experience belongs only to others. I must throw myself into the breach knowing full well that I will not escape. The scars – the open wounds – they are but the price I pay willingly for being nothing less, nothing more than me.
I still hurt.
It isn’t a single hurt. Not brought on by a specific moment in time. It is the culmination of a lifetime. I’ve worked very hard to get this far and the pain is a part of me. I am the product of my experiences and thus the product of my mistakes.
We are filled with contradictions: the desire to be independent, to be ourselves, and yet the impulse to find completion in the arms of another. As if we cannot feel whole by ourselves. As if there is something lacking in just being alone.
Have I learned anything?
That is the question. There are so many lessons. No end to the mistakes you can make as you travel through life. I have lived, loved, lost, and succumbed to the best and the worst in us. And somewhere, in my heart and mind, I have discovered who I am. I have discovered what I want.
There is nothing I want more…
Than to know that someday this will all be worthwhile. The somehow the mistakes, the suffering, will hone me and make me worthy.
It is such a sad thing to acknowledge that I would feel more complete with a partner. But that is what I’ve always wanted. A partner in crime. Someone to buffer me, and I him, someone who will be there for me as I will be there for him. Someone to share my bed and my life, my dreams and my desire.
It is strange to know that a life alone doesn’t scare me. But I can’t help hoping that someone will want me. Want me more…more than anything. Enough to stay. To put up with my bad days and rejoice in my good.
To want me for nothing less, nothing more, than who I am.
Who I’ve become.
~ Tess Anderson