Tag Archives: life lessons

I am in the strangest mood.

I have lost so much and gained so much – but in the end I am me and must make all my mistakes myself.

The grace of learning from other peoples experience belongs only to others. I must throw myself into the breach knowing full well that I will not escape. The scars – the open wounds – they are but the price I pay willingly for being nothing less, nothing more than me.

I still hurt.

It isn’t a single hurt. Not brought on by a specific moment in time. It is the culmination of a lifetime. I’ve worked very hard to get this far and the pain is a part of me. I am the product of my experiences and thus the product of my mistakes.  

We are filled with contradictions: the desire to be independent, to be ourselves, and yet the impulse to find completion in the arms of another. As if we cannot feel whole by ourselves. As if there is something lacking in just being alone.  

Have I learned anything?

That is the question. There are so many lessons. No end to the mistakes you can make as you travel through life. I have lived, loved, lost, and succumbed to the best and the worst in us. And somewhere, in my heart and mind, I have discovered who I am. I have discovered what I want.    

There is nothing I want more…

Than to know that someday this will all be worthwhile. The somehow the mistakes, the suffering, will hone me and make me worthy.

Of something.

It is such a sad thing to acknowledge that I would feel more complete with a partner. But that is what I’ve always wanted. A partner in crime. Someone to buffer me, and I him, someone who will be there for me as I will be there for him. Someone to share my bed and my life, my dreams and my desire.    

It is strange to know that a life alone doesn’t scare me. But I can’t help hoping that someone will want me. Want me more…more than anything. Enough to stay. To put up with my bad days and rejoice in my good.

To want me for nothing less, nothing more, than who I am.

Who I’ve become.  

~ Tess Anderson

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Final NaNoWriMo Installment – The value of failure…

So… the big news, I didn’t write a novel this month.

I guess I could get hung up on that – but I’m not going to. Failure teaches us things that success doesn’t. And getting good at failure – acknowledging it, accepting it, and moving forward – is one of the greatest lessons in life.

A month ago I started working on this blog – which meant writing every day. It happened to coincide with NaNoWriMo and I knew there could be conflicts. Researching and putting out product at regular intervals takes time and mental energy. I also sent off two short stories and wrote a third one. All in all I produced 32,563 new words in the month of November and placed them in some sort of creative order. Now they weren’t for a novel so they don’t count for NaNoWriMo but I was excited when I added them all up.

That’s an average of 1,137 for each day I wrote.

Now – to make the life that I want happen I need to up that to ~ 5,000 words a day. This month taught me that I can do that – not because I did it – but because I kept going. To me writing is like training for a marathon. I’ve become a pretty good sprinter but learning how to work over the long haul is my next challenge….

That, after all, is what NaMoWriMo is all about. To attempt, in the month of November, to write 50,000 words so that you can get a feel for writing a novel. It takes effort – and a different kind of effort than writing articles every day or the random short story.

So here is my list of things I learned…

  • I write best in the morning
  • Sometimes I have too many ideas and have trouble focusing on just one
  • Too much writing crap frustrates me
  • My non-fiction skills are rusty
  • I love writing my blog
  • When I don’t like a story – I can’t write it to save my life – okay maybe to save my life but nothing less
  • I’m not working hard enough
  • Facebook is the root of procrastination – as is random web surfing
  • I have trouble flipping from the blog work then into the fiction work – it seems to work better the other way
  • I can write after one scotch, but not after two – unless it is poetry  
  • When I get up from the computer it takes effort to go back, but it is getting easier

I started this journey with a very specific goal – I have a YA Paranormal idea that I am very excited about. But as the first week progressed I became less and less enamored with it until finally abandoning it. Then I picked up a Horror story idea I’d been kicking around for awhile and started researching that… but it petered out to nothing. My main focus was the blog and I couldn’t seem to create room in my head for a novel.

Learning to split focus –

I haven’t yet learned how to split my focus between the blogs and the fiction. And that needs work – as does marketing my blog – thinking about moving it off wordpress.com and setting it up on its own site. There were so many different things pulling at me and it’s been awhile since I’ve had to manage my day like that. I’m still a project manager at heart so I just have to give myself a plan.

And then there were the migraines – but that is a story I’m not ready to tell.

But like I said, writing like this is like running a marathon. You practice. Working up to longer and longer runs, eventually getting good at it, running effortlessly with ease and joy. Building up stamina and focus and pretty soon you’re writing your novel.  

At least that is my current working theory… if there are any ideas out there let me know. There are as many ways to write as there are people… new input is always welcome.

~ Tess

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