Tag Archives: my own worst enemy

Permanent Pause

DJ – so are you going to write today?
Me – My head feels full
DJ – (querying look)
Me – not full of ideas but full, like stuffy full… allergies.
DJ – so are you going to write today?
Me – uummm… 

Okay I lied, but at the time I really didn’t think I’d have the energy to sit and string words together today, and I would rather surprise him than disappoint him.

I worry that I’ve put to much emphasis on the upcoming weekend and I’m setting myself up for failure.

Last month I realized that everything I’d ever sold was written before the migraines became chronic. They may have been revamped, edited, and rewritten but the bones were all from the time before.

I gave up writing sex – now I’m trying to write sex again – ideas are not a problem (they never were) but the sitting down and getting the shit on the page… well that is a big problem and it didn’t used to be.

The other problem is the fear… of disappointing myself, my love, and anyone else out there who might be rooting for me.

I’m paused.

I thought about calling my project management guru Jeff and asking if he would help me develop a new project plan. But I don’t have a clue even what we should be planning. Then I thought about writing spec pieces again and came up with a beautiful story for a submissions call that I can’t seem to really dig myself into. I thought a lot about everything – including giving up the idea of ever making my living as a writer….

(Whenever I say that out loud my heart skips a beat)

I keep deferring to the beginning of April, two whole days of writing workshop – not editing, not publishing, not branding or marketing – but writing.

More than anything I want my office reorg finished, I want my house clean, and the laundry done (Sophie’s having bowel problems again – you really don’t want to know) and I want to hit Monday April 3rd at a dead run. I have a week off from work and I truly believe new habits can be formed in that week – or at least the formation of new habits can begin.

Or am I kidding myself?

~ Tess

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