It’s all about the Pattern…

"The praying mantis galaxy" Wiki Commons

I’m having a difficult time working today.

I don’t have workdays and weekends or holidays and vacations, and yet I find myself falling into those patterns anyway.

On Friday my friends started posting on Facebook about their upcoming three day weekend. Last night, without thinking much about it I stayed up until 1:00 am, and then when the alarm went off this morning I dozed in bed for several hours dreaming. The dreams were amusing and this is only the second time I’ve slept 6 hours straight in the last several months, but it was curious.

When I got up I puttered… it is beautiful out and though I have promised to give my mornings to writing I want to go out and take a walk in the gorgeous weather.

I don’t feel like today is a workday.

This is a trend I’ve been aware of for awhile. Christmas to New Year’s was a killer. Just like my friends with day jobs I was not fully engaged. Several people took that time off and in the end I did too. Not quite 100% but I was not working hard; just keeping the wheels on the bus.

Thinking about it, these are patterns that are drilled into us at a very early age. School days, weekends, holidays, and vacations are milestones along the year. They define the pattern of our lives.

How many of us miss Summer Vacation? And during those months keep stricter hours? Or come in early to have more time after work for friends, family, and fun?

It is funny, but try as I might I still feel it. When I had a day job I felt the lack of Summer and the sense of renewal in the Fall. Remember Fall? When everything was new and everything seemed possible?

Now that I am unemployed and am working my own schedule I find it hard not to be distracted by a pretty Friday or a Monday when the kids are out of school. The pattern is so ingrained I barely recognize it. Last night, if someone asked me why I was up late doing laundry, picking up the office and watching Stargate SG-1 till the early hours of the morning, I don’t think I would have associated it with today being a holiday.

But this morning I knew.

I have lived this pattern the last 35 years and it is as much a part of me as my name. The cycle of the seasons, the parade of holidays, and the associated behaviors are simply there. I don’t think about it, who does?

So today, I’ll keep the wheels on the bus and do what I always do on holidays. Read a little more than usual, organize parts of the house, and enjoy the sunshine.

~ Tess

Endings…

I always know… this time I thought I was over reacting… but I always know when a relationship is ending.

It’s the patterns.

When we date someone we develop very specific patterns around our interactions with them. They only change when circumstances change. I’m sure if I wanted to I could develop a whole mathematical formula for it – looking at word usage, type and frequency of communication, and body language – but it would just formalize what my brain does a great job in processing for me.

Unfortunately I’ve never gotten very good at using this skill in larger group settings. It would be very helpful to watch the flow of power during a debate and see how people are responding. But then I’m not sure I’ve ever really tried. For some reason my brain reserves this skill set for relationships.

This time I was surprised.

I was surprised this time because I didn’t want this. Since last week when I felt the first tremors I was hoping that it was holiday stress. For days I tried to convince myself that was all there was to it. But I knew. Usually I’ve known for so long that it is only the formalization of what has become fact. This wasn’t that… this hurt.

But I was trying to talk about patterns.

We are creatures of habit and we love our patterns. Coffee in the morning, a glass of wine with dinner, how we address our significant other, and what we say when our children walk in the door. All these patterns of behavior make up the web of our lives.  

I have a specific pattern for this blog – postings on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Last week I broke the pattern because of a migraine (three days long) – this week I promised myself that I would be back on track.

Today I wanted to talk about fruit flies and why I love genetics so much. But I can’t seem to ignore the pain I feel and how foolish I feel. Foolish because I let someone in, again. Foolish because I, of all people know, that everything ends. Foolish because I wanted so badly to believe that this wouldn’t.  

There is no blame – it was an honorable ending.

So, I have work to do…. Stories and articles to write, worlds to create. But just for this moment I wish I could howl with the pain, and let it all out – throw things and beat my breast – and then begin to heal.

That isn’t me. It will lurk in the corners of my heart showing itself in fits and starts until like all things it too ends.  

Thanks for listening,

~ Tess Anderson